Deeper Page 16

  Someone is dead, and it’s my fault. I’m only eighteen, but that doesn’t make him any less dead.

  The wave starts to recede, replaced by numbness again. For some reason the tears don’t stop falling. It’s like they’re malfunctioning, and linked to the endless William slide show that won’t stop playing in my head rather than to my feelings.

  I pull out my waterproof wallet and look inside. Good, there’s enough for a pair of sunglasses at the gift shop. Then the patrons won’t see me crying. I can still do this.

  It’s one step towards atonement. But one shift isn’t enough. One shift pays back a shift, not a lifetime. William’s lifetime is over now. I’m not capable of comprehending it, and still it’s breaking me.

  The guilt is awful. I’d do anything to switch places with him. I’d give anything to be the one who’s dead. But I can’t go back, there’s nothing I can do now to relieve this terrible guilt.

  I sink to my knees on the dirty bathroom floor, my hands over my face.

  All he wanted was me. All of those times he tried to ask me out, all of those times I brushed him off. He wouldn’t have been at this training if it weren’t for me. And then when he came, I murdered him. I don’t feel like a murderer, but that’s what I am. Seventeen year olds aren’t supposed to die. Not like this. There’s no way to make sense of it except that it’s my fault.

  So many things I could have done differently. I could have turned him down, so that someone else was on the chain next to him. I could have shut him down sooner so he wasn’t there.

  My boyfriend is dead. What do I do now?

  If I move on, if I go on to care for someone else, to eventually give everything to them, doesn’t that just prove I’m a murderer? Because if William was alive, I wouldn’t be able to love them, able to be with them. It’s like I’ve killed him so I could be with someone else.

  I could have grown to love him, given the chance. Maybe it just would have been a fling, or sex, but I could have cared. I can’t have sex without caring for someone. I’ve already decided my first time has to be with someone I love.

  Now there isn’t going to be anyone. No one to love, no one to be with like that. It’s oddly calming. It lifts the guilt slightly.

  I can’t bring William back. I can’t go back to that moment. But I can let the part of me that I gave to him die with him, so that we both lose. That’s the price I’ll have to pay to not carry the guilt with me every moment of every day. The price of getting up in the morning and setting my feet on the ground. The price of function.

  I go to the gift store and pick up some sunglasses. I take them to the bathroom and test how visible I am underneath them. They’re perfect. I start the long walk to the slide tower where the main slides are. It’s where William’s shift starts the day, according to the schedule posted in the guard room. I’ll just be William for the day. But who will be William after today? Remember, no love, no sex. No betrayal.

  I climb the long wooden ramps, back and forth. The sun is still beating down, warming the wood and the top of my head as I reach the second level.

  I pull on the sunglasses and look over at the Sidewinder in the distance. There’s a full line stretching all the way down the ramp. They aren’t even going to shut it down today. Why should everyone here at the park have to pay for my mistake? Only I should. And I will, by denying myself maybe the two most wonderful things in the world. I’ll still have more than William does. It isn’t fair, and another tear slides past my glasses.

  The slide I’m covering for my first shift is the color of Pepto-Bismol and turns in two boring circles before hitting the slide pool. Kids file into a line behind my station, almost like they are part of a stop motion film and just appear one by one out of nowhere. Like time is altered.

  One tries to rush past me, instead of sitting in the slide waiting for my signal. He tries to dive down headfirst, thinking I’m not paying attention.

  I see it in my peripheral vision, and I’m shocked by the speed and accuracy of my hand as it grabs his lifejacket and jerks him back, without any conscious effort from me.

  He stares up at me, scared and shocked, and I take off the glasses, letting him see my serious, bloodshot eyes.

  “Don’t you dare break rules here. Do you want someone to die?”

  Chapter Eleven

  Rain

  Things are more or less back to normal with Knight and me. What is normal again?

  The park will get back to normal too, as soon as we fill the spots left by Dan and Mike.

  I flip a resume over my hand and go to the second page. “This is my top pick. Ally Nevins. She has a lot of experience back East. Seems really professional. Was a senior guard at her last park, but just applying as a regular guard. Wonder why she left mid summer?”

  Knight taps his pen on the table. He hates interviews. “I don’t care. Let’s just get this over with.” He scoots his chair over to mine and rests a heavy arm over the back. It’s nice to have him there.

  “Her certs are up to date. I can get her updated on our specific equipment with some extra training.”

  “Yeah.” He tries to pull me in for a kiss but I pull away, blushing.

  “Knight, not at work.”

  “Fine,” he says, letting me go and slumping back over the table. “Call her in then.”

  I walk out to the lobby and look around for Ally. I don’t see anyone. Maybe I’m expecting some preppy girl from back East. There are just two people in the lobby, so they must be the two people we are hoping to replace Dan and Mike with.

  One is a large guy with dark hair and a little extra on him. Full sleeve tats. Five o’ clock shadow. Looks like he should be interviewing for a biker gang rather than a lifeguarding position. Next to him is the most androgynous person I’ve ever seen in my life.

  If I had to call it right now, it’s a girl trying to look like a boy. She has platinum blonde hair, shorn short on the sides and a bit longer on the top. It falls around her face in the front.

  She sees me and stands, and she’s gotta be about five feet ten inches tall. She’s slender with long, toned arms and legs. She’s wearing a white basketball style tank and baggy jean shorts, with a chain going from a belt loop to the back pocket. It jingles as she smoothly stands. Her shoes are worn converses.

  She comes over and takes my limp fish hand in a firm, strong handshake as she looks into my eyes with her earnest, makeup free ones.

  “I’m Ally.” She takes her hand back and shoves it in her pocket. “I’m here for the interview.”

  The other guy in the room sits up at the name Ally, as if he is just realizing for the first time that it’s a lady who looks like a dude and not a dude who looks like a lady.

  “Come on in, you’re up.” I turn away and wave an arm for her to follow. I can’t help thinking she’d look great as a senior guard. Scare the heck out of the patrons. Too bad there aren’t any positions this year. Oh well, next year maybe.

  I look at Knight as I walk in, wanting to see his face when he looks at our new candidate. He looks up, and his eyes narrow slightly. She gives him a run for his money in the eyelash department. She slumps into the chair across from us in an odd reflection of Knight’s own slumped, masculine confidence.

  “Ally?” He sits up and grabs her resume from me. “Nice to meet you.” He reaches over and she does too and they shake hands, sizing each other up like men. She’s like the female version of Knight. I’m intimidated by her.

  “Same,” she says simply.

  “So you’ve been a guard for how long?” I ask.

  “Since I was fifteen.”

  “Which is?” Knight cuts in.

  “Five years.” She studies her nails, then extends her hand out in front as if she’s checking something. Then folds her arms but sits up straight.

  “Great.” I look over my paper, trying to think of questions.

  “Perfect save record. Call my references. Any other questions? When do I start?”

  “We�
��re looking for someone to start immediately, if we hire you—”

  “You’re hired.” Knight cuts me off. “Go to the front desk for a uniform. Your first training will be on Thursday, with me and Rain.” He tosses her resume across the table.

  “Keep it. Call my references.”

  “Don’t need to.” Knight leaves it there and they glare at each other for a moment. Then she takes the paper, folds it and shoves it in her back pocket. “See you Thursday then.”

  She nods at me and I awkwardly return it, wondering how people like her and Knight look so cool doing it when it makes me look like a bobble head.

  “So, that was an abrupt decision,” I say. I’m not sure I’m happy about it. She’s too similar to Knight. I’m not sure I can handle two of them around.

  “I can tell she’s good people,” he replies. “She’s just what we need to whip the other guards into shape. No nonsense. Can set an example.”

  “Fine.” I sigh. When Knight is sure of something there’s no point trying to convince him otherwise. I’m just glad we’re together again. I’m not going to ruin it fighting over a girl who we should probably hire.

  “I’m going to go call the next guy in,” I say. “Someone named Geoff.” I give Knight the resume and head out to get the tatted guy. He’s chatting with Ally in the lobby. Both have folded arms and seem to be discussing the interview. When they see me Ally gives me another nod and heads out, hands in her back pockets.

  The guy who has to be Geoff stands and takes my hand in his. It’s rough, and his eyes looking into mine are more unnerving than Ally’s. They’re light gray, almost blue. But startlingly light against his tanned skin.

  I pull my hand back. “Follow me. Knight’s in here.”

  “Knight?” He raises an eyebrow, but follows me.

  Knight gives more of a reaction when Geoff walks in than he did when Ally walked in. He stands, folds his arms, and doesn’t put a hand out for Geoff. “Geoffrey.”

  “Knightly.”

  Knight’s frown deepens and he waits for Geoffrey to sit before sitting across from him. The air crackles between them. Geoffrey is stockier and shorter than Knight, but a little beefier. Knight is tall and lean, but his biceps give Geoff’s a run for their money in size. They glare at each other.

  “Is there something I’m not getting here?”

  They both just glare. I take Knight’s arm, force him to break the staring contest and look me in the eyes. His expression is hard.

  “Alright then, no one says anything, I’m just going to go back to the interview as usual. Geoff, tell us a little about your experience.”

  “This is my first year guarding. I’ve been a swimmer all through high school.”

  I check the clipboard and see the year he graduated. So he’s closer to my age than Knight’s. “And your certs?”

  “I was hoping you’d train me—”

  “We don’t train new hires mid-season—”, Knight says.

  “But yeah, I got the basic certs.” He cuts back in over Knight. “I just don’t have any water park special stuff.”

  There’s something trustworthy about him. He’ll do a good job filling the holes left by Dan and Mike, and he’ll be a good contrast to Ally. Knight already pulled rank on me once, so it’s only fair that I do it to him.

  “You’re hired. Come to training on Thursday morning with Knight and I. See the front desk for your uniform.”

  “If I still want to work here,” he says, glaring at Knight.

  Knight glares back. “Whatever.”

  Their collective jaw tension could haul steel, but I’m done with this interview.

  “All right,” I say. “Let us know if you have any questions. Here’s my number.” I push a card at him.

  Geoff heaves himself out of the chair and puts my card in his pocket. He leaves. Knight sits silent and still beside me, glaring at the door through which Geoff exited.

  “Who was that?” I take his arm in mine, and find his biceps tensing and relaxing.

  “Why did you hire him?”

  “Because he’s qualified and we need a guard.”

  “I didn’t approve it.”

  “You didn’t ask me about Ally. We need a guard. That’s all that matters. Or do you want me to do more pool shifts while you stalk around having a panic attack because you think everyone is drowning on purpose just to get to touch me?”

  “You don’t understand.” He shakes his head. “That was her brother.”

  “Who?”

  “Camille’s brother.”

  Oh.

  Knight

  “How am I supposed to know these things if you don’t tell me?” she asked, leaving the interview room.

  Yeah, that’s all she said. I know I can’t really blame her, but it still leaves me in an awkward position.

  So here we are Thursday morning, one big happy family doing water drills with the ghost of my ex between us. I know Geoff still blames me.

  I still blame him, for taking her to that party. And I’m sure we’d both like to know who did it, so we could kill him.

  Luckily he’s only the step-brother, so he doesn’t look like her.

  As for Ally, she’s a mystery to me. I feel confident around her, and I like the way she works with Rain. Rain looks almost feminine and emotive next to her, which is a minor miracle.

  I don’t know what happened to close Rain off like she is, to make her so unwilling to help herself, but it must have been a doozy.

  She’s just happy that we have the right number of guards now and everyone is safe. When will she learn there is more to safe than physically safe? So no one drowns, no one dies, because we have the right number of guards. There are worse things than being understaffed.

  Like looking into the eyes of a man who seems to silently accuse me of killing someone he loved, while I look in his eyes and do the same right back.

  There was a time when we were friends. We swam together for the two years that we overlapped in high school. Camille said he idolized me, being two years younger than us. I never minded bringing him along. In fact, at the beginning, when I moved in next to them, it was just him and I glaring at each other in that awkward way boys do when they’ve just met and aren’t sure how to make friends. Then Camille came and took both of our hands and led us to a dumpster we could raid.

  None of us had much in the way of parental supervision. None of us had much to offer other than friendship. Our families were poor.

  It was just natural that he became just a younger friend, and she became my everything. Maybe she was his everything too.

  I grab the edge of the backboard, looking into Geoff’s eyes as I do. Anger. It’s still there, and there’s a part of me that wishes it wasn’t. I wish we could go back to being friends. Just one more thing I lost with Camille.

  Ally unstraps the backboard while reciting the steps of CPR to Rain. I’ve got to hand it to her resume sorting; we’ve hired two spectacular guards. Rain turns to me with a glowing smile and I beat myself up for complaining about her hiring Geoff.

  I have the most beautiful girl in the world dating me, and life couldn’t be better. Even not having sex doesn’t bother me. I think deep down I’m still scared that it’s something that hurts someone, rather than feels good. It was so empty every time I did it after Camille was gone. It didn’t erase the pain. Ironically, every time I tried with another girl, I triggered, like Camille used to do. I could see Camille crying beneath me in anger and agony, begging me for another chance while I begged her to let it go for us.

  “You okay?” Rain puts her arm on mine. The guards are headed to the break room. “That’s it for today.”

  Geoff turns back over his shoulder to look at me. We share a silent moment, just glaring at one another.

  “I finished the schedule,” Rain says. “Will you look it over for me?”

  I nod and follow her into the office. I don’t even want to look at it, let alone actually put effort into it. For some reason I jus
t really need a day off. I haven’t had one in two weeks, not since the night I rescued Rain from Mike and Dan.

  I just can’t wait to get off work and just go out with her. It’s our day off, and yet we’re here training. I see Kim come in. She runs rec swim on Thursdays so we don’t have to work seven full days a week. I’m taking Rain to the beach today.

  She’s not watching me, still rummaging through papers on the desk. I love that she’s committed to her job, but sometimes I wish she would focus on me instead. Wholly.

  I think I’m starting to want love from her. Didn’t I as much as say I love her out on the grass when I asked her if her hatred of hurting people was stronger than my hatred of seeing the person I loved hurt? Didn’t that mean the same thing?

  I want to put my arm around her and pull her against me, do nice things to her neck till she squirms in my arms. But not in the office. We need to go to the ocean. We both love it there, and it’ll be our first time going together, not counting the night of the bonfire. I’m hoping for some hot times in the waves this time too.

  “Looks good.” I shut off the computer.

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah. And once Kim gets here, you’re coming to the beach with me, and we’re going to spend a whole day not talking about work. Deal?”

  “Deal.” Her ears turn slightly red as she brushes hair behind them. She’s gotta be thinking about the beach too. What I’m going to do to her in the waves. I’m gonna take her underwater, then I’m gonna take her to heaven.

  The thought is cheesy but I grin.

  Rain

  It’s a hot afternoon, and the sweat is already beading on my neck by the time Knight and I cross the parking lot and reach the beach.

  He sets down our towels and stretches. Humid beach air blows by us and ruffles my cover-up, cooling me and stoking the excitement rising inside me as I watch the waves. The sky is bright blue, the sun a blinding beacon above us. The sand is dry and deep and dotted with sticks and shells. Behind us hills rise into cliffs, and houses dot the top shelf of them.